That’s right, you make your own beer now because schooner is going to set you back $10. But how do you make your own beer? Surely, it can’t be that hard if everyone’s dad can do it. I texted my dad, Big Crom, to find out how.

Dad, what are the steps to brew your own beer? I haven’t brewed beer since the ’90s. I gave all my bottles and brew kit away years ago.

Yeah, but what are the steps? As far as steps are concerned, the only crappy bit is washing and sterilising the bottles.

What are the steps though? Homebrewing is a bit of a trap because you don’t get hung over and you always have beer available. I stopped because I ended up drinking too much. It is fun brewing your own, though. It’s just a bit time-consuming.

Dude. The steps. The main thing is ensuring everything is sterile. You also need a way of keeping the barrel at a constant temp. I used a wooden box with a light globe in it. From memory, it was insulated. I had a temp probe in the box, and I used to crack the lid on the box to regulate the temp. After you fill your bottles, you have to incubate those as well during the beer’s second fermentation.

You didn’t tell me how to begin the FIRST fermentation yet. Wait, why no hangovers? Not sure. Maybe the lack of chemicals in it. There are no additives, no preservatives.

Let’s start at the top. What do you put in the bottle at the very beginning? You need to be accurate with ingredients. Too much sugar added in the second fermentation can cause the bottles to explode or the caps to blow off. The same thing can happen if you bottle the brew before the first fermentation is complete. You have to wait till it stops bubbling out of the airlock and then wait a day or two before bottling. If you add extra sugar to the original mix you’ll get a higher alcohol content.

TELL ME WHAT TO PUT IN THE BOTTLE TO BEGIN WITH! The sugar in the first fermentation gives the alcohol content. The sugar added to the bottles when filling is food for the yeast in the second fermentation and is only to gas up the bottles and give the beer bubbles so they have a head when you pour it.

*At this point, my father began sending photos of a pergola he erected over the weekend.

Cool. So, I guess my best bet is to just buy a home brew kit. You’d be better off googling it, otherwise, I’ll forget a vital step and your article will be F’d. The only thing you put in the bottle after sterilising is the brewed beer and a teaspoon (not quite sure of the amount) of sugar.

So, a brewing kit. Yeah, you have to buy a brewing kit, and then scrounge some bottles from somewhere. They have to be bottles that will take a crown cap, though. You buy some home brew mix from the supermarket and yeast and then you:

1. Sterilise EVERYTHING, with a sterilant mix.

You’re doing the steps now? Yeah.

2. Add water, brew mix and yeast to the barrel.

3. Seal it up so the gas can only get out through the airlock (and no outside air can get in).

4. Wait for the bubbling to stop while maintaining the optimum temperature.

5. Wait for a day or two before bottling to ensure the first fermentation is complete (i.e. no more bubbles). Note: sometimes the bubbling can appear to have ceased due to a drop in your optimum temp. This slows down the process.

6. Add (how much I can’t remember) sugar to sterilised bottles, fill to approx. 1 1/2″-2.00″ from the top of the bottle. Seal with a crown cap.

7. Tip/swirl brew the bottle to dissolve sugar.

8. Put bottles into a controlled temp cupboard of some sort and maintain optimum temperature until second fermentation is complete.

What’s the optimum temperature? You’ll have to Google it.

The ideal fermentation temperature is usually 18C-20C for ALES (with a 2-3 week fermentation time). Whilst the ideal fermentation temperature is 13C-14C for LAGERS, (with a 3-4 week fermentation time).

9. Chill and decant slowly to avoid stirring sediment in the bottom of the bottle.

When did you start saying ‘decant’?

10. Rinse bottles thoroughly after emptying.

Okay cool. Thanks, dad. Affer fifyh boottle, remindle youself to mop ub spilt beer, tomorra.

Is that your drunk impression? Yep.

—So there you have it. How to make your own homebrew according my dad. Easy.